Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
