2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
