So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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