She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
