mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
Dude. She just shit herself.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.