Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
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kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
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I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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