Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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