i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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