So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'd cum for enchiladas.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
