drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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