I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
