I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
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we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
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I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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