My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
