he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
