Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
