I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
