I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Also, beer. Big fan.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
