Who did Billy Mays play for?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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