a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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