I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
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You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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