This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
