Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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