I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
