If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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