i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
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