I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
