so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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