the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
