I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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