Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My vagina is officially offended.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
