That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I woke up under a house in Key West
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