I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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