I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
