Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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