Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
