Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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