I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
