im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
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We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
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Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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