She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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