can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just had sex on a roof
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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