you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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