I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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