Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
PANTIES FOUND
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
