Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.