Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
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The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
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i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.