just come out here and I will go home with you...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
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I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
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More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.