When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
