that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
