If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
