i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
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party gras won. party gras always wins.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
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While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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