I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
