God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i think i have herpe
just one?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
