my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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