i don't like sucking hair
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
