Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
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This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
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If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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